Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Non-food related (but necessary)
You people should have seen Tina last night. Picture it...a dark, smokey room. Several hundred screaming rednecks/graffitists/giant pant wearers. And Tine at the very front of them all, hugging a large speaker and gazing soulfully into the eyes of the love of her life, Slug. That's right, SLUG. The lead singer of Atmosphere whose name, as Tine informed me, is an acronym for Sean Loves Ugly Girls. Which will make Tina's married name Carly Loves Ugly Girls. Or Clug.
Now I like Atmosphere a lot and agree that it was one hell of a concert. But for Tine, it was a major life event, and if you ever go with her to an Atmosphere concert you should be prepared to accompany her on her journey. So I'm going to give you a list of survival tactics, just in case you find yourself in this same situation.
1. Be ready to fight. Tine WILL be in the front row at all costs. You know who else wants to be there? Every trashy hooker this side of Minneapolis. Just remember, you are a granite column and you cannot be moved, even by flailing lit cigarettes and bleached ponytails flying at your face.
2. Bring marijuana. After watching a be-dreadlocked hippy chick pass Slug a fresh fat bud, Tine was sorry she hadn't thought to bring along some similar offerings to sacrifice to the God of Spit and Sex.
3. Don't drink too much. Once you are in the front, YOU ARE IN THE FRONT. Under no circumstances are you to leave to pee, so maybe the better idea would be to invest in some Depends. Trust me, wet jeans will be worth it to watch the looks of rapture on Tina's face.
4. Finally, bring plastic baggies and duck tape. After Slug touches Tine's hand, she will want to wrap the hand well and seal it off so that she may preserve the touch as long as possible, and not wear it off by touching something else or even worse, washing it.
If you follow these rules, I guarantee you will not only enjoy what is pretty much one of the best hip hop concerts I've been to, you will also enjoy countless hours of watching our Tina swoon. You might even develop a little crush yourself. Just call me Mlug.
Now I like Atmosphere a lot and agree that it was one hell of a concert. But for Tine, it was a major life event, and if you ever go with her to an Atmosphere concert you should be prepared to accompany her on her journey. So I'm going to give you a list of survival tactics, just in case you find yourself in this same situation.
1. Be ready to fight. Tine WILL be in the front row at all costs. You know who else wants to be there? Every trashy hooker this side of Minneapolis. Just remember, you are a granite column and you cannot be moved, even by flailing lit cigarettes and bleached ponytails flying at your face.
2. Bring marijuana. After watching a be-dreadlocked hippy chick pass Slug a fresh fat bud, Tine was sorry she hadn't thought to bring along some similar offerings to sacrifice to the God of Spit and Sex.
3. Don't drink too much. Once you are in the front, YOU ARE IN THE FRONT. Under no circumstances are you to leave to pee, so maybe the better idea would be to invest in some Depends. Trust me, wet jeans will be worth it to watch the looks of rapture on Tina's face.
4. Finally, bring plastic baggies and duck tape. After Slug touches Tine's hand, she will want to wrap the hand well and seal it off so that she may preserve the touch as long as possible, and not wear it off by touching something else or even worse, washing it.
If you follow these rules, I guarantee you will not only enjoy what is pretty much one of the best hip hop concerts I've been to, you will also enjoy countless hours of watching our Tina swoon. You might even develop a little crush yourself. Just call me Mlug.
Monday, June 12, 2006
And Now, A Pictorial
Items residing in my pantry/refrigerator that no one will EVER eat:
Mate bought these months ago. An entire large bag of oyster crackers. I told him they were bland and sick but he assured me he liked them. I knew I was right, I mean who eats oyster crackers plain? I'll tell you who DOESN'T- Anyone who lives here.
This little gem was left by a house guest. Powdered fake cappuccino. In case we run out of cocaine in the wee hours and need something to snort for a little pick-me-up.
A couple of months ago we joined Costco. $400 later, we ended up with 28 pairs of athletic socks, a gallon of Softsoap, and a freezerful of weirdo food like chicken and pineapple meatballs.
I bought this during a Boy Scout-esque "Always be prepared" kick I went through a while back. Because if you were stuck in your house due to blizzard, hurricane, Black Plague, etc. you know what you'd really want to eat? Jambalaya in a box.
And for our final slide of the evening:
This was included in a hotel room goody bag at a wedding we attended last summer. As you can see, the tiny white bow is holding strong. This hangs out in our fridge because we would rather die than drink pink wine. Ok, that's a lie...we're saving this one for special.
Mate bought these months ago. An entire large bag of oyster crackers. I told him they were bland and sick but he assured me he liked them. I knew I was right, I mean who eats oyster crackers plain? I'll tell you who DOESN'T- Anyone who lives here.
This little gem was left by a house guest. Powdered fake cappuccino. In case we run out of cocaine in the wee hours and need something to snort for a little pick-me-up.
A couple of months ago we joined Costco. $400 later, we ended up with 28 pairs of athletic socks, a gallon of Softsoap, and a freezerful of weirdo food like chicken and pineapple meatballs.
I bought this during a Boy Scout-esque "Always be prepared" kick I went through a while back. Because if you were stuck in your house due to blizzard, hurricane, Black Plague, etc. you know what you'd really want to eat? Jambalaya in a box.
And for our final slide of the evening:
This was included in a hotel room goody bag at a wedding we attended last summer. As you can see, the tiny white bow is holding strong. This hangs out in our fridge because we would rather die than drink pink wine. Ok, that's a lie...we're saving this one for special.
Monday, June 05, 2006
I do
This weekend was my very first bridesmaid experience. Mate's sister got married and asked me to be a maid, which was very touching. I think she did it because I'm so good-looking though. That's what you want up there next to you, good-looking people to make the pictures look nice. The worst thing is when you are forced to have a family member who you not only don't like that much, but is also not very good-looking. But she's the only girl cousin not in it, and she would hate you forever if you didn't ask her. This is all hypothetical, of course. Nothing like this happened when I got married.
I'll get straight to the point though and go ahead and list some FatAss (Phat ass?) highlights:
1. First and foremost, Open Bar. The only way to go.
2. The favors were tiny chinese takeout boxes of HOMEADE CHOCOLATES. Yes. That is correct. I also heard that the guy who made them has his chocolate shipped from Belgium. Say no more. I took 3.
3. We took pictures on the beach. I was surprisingly delighted by the juxtaposition of having a fancy dress and hair, with feet in the ocean and Bud Light in hand. Good feeling.
4. I managed to resist eating the shrimp and scallops in cream sauce, which would inevitably have caused my stomach and intestines to form a coup against the rest of me and try to secede from the union. Even though my brain and tongue know I LOVE cream sauce. It's an ongoing battle I like to call the 26-years War. Bravo to the brain for being the bigger organ and extending the peace pipe.
5. The last song of the evening was "I've had the time of my Life" from Dirty Dancing, and Mate and I did The Lift. Everyone was extremely impressed, especially the table of gentlemen to whom I unwittingly exposed my underwear. This is the second wedding at which I have exposed my underpinnings while getting down. You may think it's embarrassing but no. This is just a hazard of being an excellent dancer and I'm not ashamed.
That's all. You may comment now.
I'll get straight to the point though and go ahead and list some FatAss (Phat ass?) highlights:
1. First and foremost, Open Bar. The only way to go.
2. The favors were tiny chinese takeout boxes of HOMEADE CHOCOLATES. Yes. That is correct. I also heard that the guy who made them has his chocolate shipped from Belgium. Say no more. I took 3.
3. We took pictures on the beach. I was surprisingly delighted by the juxtaposition of having a fancy dress and hair, with feet in the ocean and Bud Light in hand. Good feeling.
4. I managed to resist eating the shrimp and scallops in cream sauce, which would inevitably have caused my stomach and intestines to form a coup against the rest of me and try to secede from the union. Even though my brain and tongue know I LOVE cream sauce. It's an ongoing battle I like to call the 26-years War. Bravo to the brain for being the bigger organ and extending the peace pipe.
5. The last song of the evening was "I've had the time of my Life" from Dirty Dancing, and Mate and I did The Lift. Everyone was extremely impressed, especially the table of gentlemen to whom I unwittingly exposed my underwear. This is the second wedding at which I have exposed my underpinnings while getting down. You may think it's embarrassing but no. This is just a hazard of being an excellent dancer and I'm not ashamed.
That's all. You may comment now.
