Future Fat Ass

Gosh! Yesterday ANOTHER grown-up (read: person significantly older than myself) asked me a question I really hate, like I possibly hate it even more than questions like "Are you going to wear that?" and "What happened to all the mini Snickers?". That question is, "What are your hobbies?". What the F$%k kind of question is this to ask a 26 year old? I can't believe I've actually been asked it twice in the past few weeks. There are so many problems inherent in this question, I don't even know where to begin. It's one of those simple-but-loaded questions that you get so rarely that being asked it sends your mental well-being into a tailspin because you should have a good answer and you don't. Yes, what ARE my hobbies? If you can't think of any, you are a boring loser who has nothing interesting going on in your life. If you do happen to think of some things you like to do, they never sound as cool out loud as they seem to be while you are doing them (watching TV, drinking wine). And you run into the problem that if there is something you kind of like to do and you say that's your hobby, the question asker could know way more about it than you, and you look like a liar. Example:

Question-asker/Degrader: "What are your hobbies?"
You: "Well, I'm into college football. Go Gators! Wooo!"
Q.A./D.: "Oh, me too. What do you think Quarterback McMeathead's chances are for winning the Heisman?"
You: Crickets.
You: "I guess I don't watch it that closely. Yes, in fact, perhaps my hobby is more of the beer-drinking sort than the actual football-watching sort."

And just like that, you appear lame. The truth is I am very busy and when I am not busy being busy, I am lazy. Neither status makes for good hobbies. It's not that I am a boring person. I have the INTENTION of having many and various hobbies. I guess you could say I am an extremely well-rounded and active person in my own head. Here is a list of hobbies I have the intention of someday undertaking, and think about doing quite often whilst I watch TV.

1. I love to paint, in my head. Right now I am working on an imaginary painting influenced by stains I got on my shirt. It's done in the medium of salsa and cheese whiz, though the white parts you see I did with a Clorox Bleach Pen.

2. I intend to begin working out in the very near future. I will be strength training as well as taking hip-hop dance classes. I need to get in shape so that I can reach my goal of making the Atlanta Falcons cheerleading squad before I am 30. I think this is quite conceivable because they have open tryouts and they don't have to do any tricks requiring gymnastic aptitude. Please be aware that I don't want to actually be ON the squad, just make the cut so I know I'm hot.

3. I am an interior designer. I own many, many, many design magazines as well as furniture catalogs. When I win the lottery I will start buying some things in them and then you will see the true capacity of my gift. I might invite you to see my showhouse, but I haven't decided yet.

4. I am quite fond of travelling. In the past week I have travelled from my house in Riverside to Midtown Atlanta several times, as well as to Charlotte, NC for a meeting and beautiful Lakeland, FL, where I witnessed a redneck getting arrested on an ATV. Someday soon I hope to make it out of the Southeastern states.

5. I enjoy rock climbing. Once I went to a rock-climbing gym and a cute boy held my rope and I climbed all the way to the ceiling like a little squirrel monkey. If Atlanta Rocks! didn't cost roughly one million dollars to walk in the door, I might do it again.

Now, maybe you're asking me why I don't actually DO any of these things. The answer is that I don't have any time for my IMAGINARY hobbies because I am busy working on my REAL LIFE hobbies. Which are:

1. Media Planning. I know this is supposed to be my job, but because my salary divided by the number of hours I work roughly equals $0.03, I think of it more as volunteering.

2. Thinking About, Buying and Eating Food. An oddly taxing production, this represents roughly 8 hours of my day. More if you count the hours I watch Food Network. Which brings me to...

3. Watching TV. There are so many reasons why it is imperative I get TV time in every single day. One is that my career depends on it (see #1). Two is that if I didn't watch TV I wouldn't be such a super-champion when it comes to board games and bar trivia. And that is extremely important to me. Everyone wants to be friends with a Trivial Pursuit super-champion.

4. Sleeping, Showering, Pooping. All necessary. All time consuming.

5. Drinking Alcohol. Usually done while spending time with friends and family members. Depending on the person, sometimes absolutely required while spending time with friends and family members.

So do me a favor people. Don't ask me what my hobbies are. Because I can only conclude that people who actually have hobbies are slacking in one of the areas above. And let's face it. A Snickers bar is more important than perfecting my hurkey any day.

So many of you know that my landlord is trying to sell the condo I'm living in. We've got this realtor, Paul, a fruity Southern gent with a big mouth and apparently, a big opinion about my personal hygiene and living space. I think the below e-mail from my landlord sums it up. I have never been so insulted. Read on:

Carly,


Paul called us about the loft. Before I start let me preface everything with I realize he is a bit over the top, so everything he says is being taken with a grain of salt. He is concerned with how the loft is showing. He took pictures and emailed them to me about the "mess and clutter". Some I agreed with and some I didn't. In order for us to keep you in the loft with such a low rent we really need you to keep the loft in pristine condition. That is the only way it is going to sell. I realize that you have to live there and it is a pain and difficult to always have it clean, but it really is necessary. The fridge needs to be wiped down and so does the stove and toaster. Please try not to leave any dirty dishes out. And most of all the bathtub must be clean everyday, including the jets in the tub which were brown. The key to selling to loft will be to have is clean and not cluttered. Paul is concerned with the clutter. We have a storage unit that you have access to if you want to move some of the things you aren't using up there. Or maybe you can tidy up the closet. The assets of the loft (tub, closet, size etc) aren't showing to there potential.

Again, I know that Paul is over the top, but he actually thinks that we have an easier time selling it if it were empty. Mike and I don't want that, we would much prefer to keep you there if possible. But the goal is to sell the loft as fast as possible. So let me know if you have a problem with any of this and we can talk about it. For now we will keep going with the month to month lease starting in November.

I appreciate your patience and efforts,
B

I like how "mess and clutter" is in parentheses, as if it's still an ALLEGED mess and clutter. And perhaps, if I get it cleaned up, it will be as if we never spoke of the mess and clutter in the first place. I spit in the face of this kind of humiliation.

And now - an FFA poll:

Tiney is, for the most part:
a) extremely clean and organized
b) is known to leave a towel on the floor on occasion
c) is a walking pigsty

Readers and friends, I let you be the judge.

Free glazed cake donut
Hurts my belly every time
Why can't I resist?