Future Fat Ass

I told Mate that his glasses made his eyes look smaller.

He told me that my eyes are too close together, but only when I wear my hair back.

The kicker is, he can wear contacts and his problem is solved. I have to live forever with my too-close eyes.

This kind of honest communication is why no one should get married ever.

P.S. I know this has nothing to do with food except that we were eating hamburgers at the time.

So-called Starbucks "barista" knows you by name and begins to prepare your drink order as you APPROACH the store.

*Could also be a Future Yuppie Symptom.

Today after lunch, Mooks brought me some apple cake that her mom made during a visit this weekend. As a self-proclaimed dessert connoisseur, I can honestly say that I haven't been this pleasantly surprised by a sweet treat since I discovered Nutella in the late 90's. This cake was moist, buttery, sugary heaven, with a crunchy, caramel crust to boot. I was really digging the textures. Mooks tells me that Mother Mooks got the recipe from Paula Deen, but I can't help but think that some of MM's own special something was added as well.

Anyways, what I'm sayin' here is that if you ever happen to run into MM, take the opportunity to either a) congratulate her on a cake well done or b) thank her for producing that fine specimen of a human being we like to call..... The Mookster.

I felt it appropriate to acknowledge a dear friend of mine and Mooks, whose passion for sandwiches has inspired me to sing the praises of corned beef across this great city. Many of you are familiar with him, and so, without further adieu, please join me in honoring

THE SCHWARTZ

for his unwavering commitment and devotion to:

pitas
wraps
muffalettas
paninis
focaccias
and for his love and acceptance for any and all variations of sandwiches around the world.

We will miss him, but I trust that my Wife and UPW will provide him with a safe haven and a hearty pastrami on rye upon arrival in NYC.

God speed, my Schwartz.

It's stupid how if you start writing a blog and then save it as a draft and then go back and post it three days later, it posts it on the original date. Because if you've posted something since then, people think there's nothing new to read when they check. That is so stupid, and I want you to suck on that for a while, Blogger.

What I'm trying to say is, scroll down, there's a new post from Tuesday.

Also, someone tell me how to make my profile picture actually show up on my blog and not just when you look in my profile.

I'm fully aware that my levels of anxiety and depression attribute to my eating habits, and that this will eventually lead to my downfall into fat-assedness. Because right now I have the following things going on:
1. Broken computer
2. Broken car, costing approximately $2,000 to fix and being held hostage by scary garage
3. Very messy house
4. Extremely messy desk
5. More work than I could ever do in...well, just ever
6. Social obligations every night when all I want to do is go home
7. Unfounded anger at husband for having to work a lot even though he can't help it
8. Un-altered bridesmaid dress to be worn in two weeks
9. Unguarded home located in ghetto that will eventually be robbed because I don't have time to call alarm co.

I'm also starving, and here are the free food options available to me:
1. oatmeal
2. nutrigrain bar
3. Fuji apples
4. green tea

However, List A is clearly not compatible with List B, so here's what I'm planning to eat:
1. Packet of Oreos currently residing in vending machine
2. Green apple blow pop currently residing in desk drawer
3. Large pizza currently residing at Azio's or Large burrito currently residing at Willy's

I'm glad I got that sorted out.

This past weekend my grandmother told Mate that he was "fattening up". Meanwhile she exclaimed over how skinny I am. Both Mate and I know that this is not true, that in fact I have started buying pants a size bigger to accomodate my largening butt. However the important thing is that to the outside observer, my eating habits have not hurt me any. Still, we both need to go to the gym more to counteract any effects of "blog research".

Something else that happened last weekend is that Mate retired THE Benchmark by which all restaurants are judged. That benchmark is...The Outback Special. The Outback Special is the perfect restaurant meal. What I mean by this is, it tastes exactly as good as the amount it costs. Therefore its taste to cost index is 100. You get a decent steak, salad and side dish for under $13. Mate decided that this would be the meal by which he judged all other meals at all other restaurants. So when we're eating at a new place we ask ourselves, "Is this as good as the Outback Special?" If the answer is yes, and the price is less than the Outback Special, then we've found a new haunt. If the answer is no, and it's more expensive, then this restaurant is damned to hell for all eternity. You get the idea.

Imagine how discouraged we were to arrive at Outback in Gainesville, FL on Saturday only to find that the Outback Special now costs...sit down...$15.49!!!! Naturally, this throws off the whole titration level. The Special was certainly as good as $13, but nearly $16? We just can't agree with that. So now we're wandering, lost, on the lookout for that ultimate, tasty, mid-priced meal by which to judge all other meals. Because we love to judge. We're judging you right now.

I'm open for suggestions.

Sheesh, this html thing is taxing on the brain and spirit. Per my readers' request (ahem), I managed to figure out how to change the font sizes, but my will to be technical failed before I figured out which of those codes goes to the heading on top of the posts. So that's still big. Also I'd like to put some pictures up in this mug and make it so that the sidebar doesn't hog so much of the page. But that will have to be tomorrow's lesson.

Tonight I head down to my mama's house. Y'all may not know this because I am so good at affecting a region-neutral accent, but my family's about as southern as they come. There's one thing that Jewish moms and Italian moms and Southern moms have in common. And that is the desire to force as much food into their children's mouths as possible in a short amount of time. To make this worse, my grandmother now lives with my mom. Double the bacon grease, double the fun. The phenomenon of being offered food approximately every 6.7 seconds is a normal way of life to me. Most of the time, I'll try some of whatever it is. Because here's the thing: if you say you're not hungry, they don't believe you. They just think they haven't offered you anything you like yet. So they keep saying things like "There's some leftover potato salad. No? I made brownies with pecans in them, you love those. Oh, you're not hungry? Ok. (pause) Well then just have some of this shrimp dip with some crackers, it's light!" It won't stop, so the best advice is: EAT IT. My Mate doesn't get this. Of course all his family eats are hoagies (that's what they call them) and hard dry pretzels, but that's another story. Tonight about 10 times he'll lean over to me and whisper "I told her I'm full! How much more can a person eat??" Watch and you'll see.

Food Network watchers, listen up (this means you, Wollets). I know you love your Everyday Italians and your Sugar Rush. But when you're ready to take off that training bra and move up a size to a REAL food show, you need to tune into a little program called Anthony Bourdain's NO RESERVATIONS. This show, which is on the Travel channel, makes Rachel Ray's $40 a day (which, if you can't eat for a day on $40 in ANY city except Dubai, you are a big spoiled pooptail) look like a trip down the street to McDonald's. Anthony is a total A-hole, but he travels the earth eating with the natives. Sometimes I wretch, sometimes I drool, but I am always entertained.

This week Tone went to Puerto Rico. He went to the beach a lot, mocked the authenticity of the Pina Coladas, and ate a whole roasted pig. Apparently, the cheek is the best part of an entire pig. Tone says it is the perfect balance of crispy skin and chewy fat. This makes sense, as I have a habit of chewing on the insides of my own cheeks for these same reasons. I never really thought about going to PR much, but now I'm all about it. Besides the Bacardi Factory, there seems to be much to eat, all flavored with big bottles of sofrito, which is a magic potion that makes everything taste like heaven and sunshine. As a bonus, Tone went searching for El Chupacabra. If you live in a cave and don't know about this, go here: http://www.parascope.com/en/1096/chupa/chupsong.htm. Anyway. Instead of old Chupe, guess what Anthony found? Wild puppies in the forest! Bounding up to say hi. Anyplace with cute puppies living in the woods, free for the taking, is ok by me.

Every week I also learn key phrases that I plan to work into my everyday speech patterns. This weeks' were:
1. This pig tastes so good, he must have been in love.
2. Never eat anything bigger than your head.

So if all this sounds as totally sweet to you as it does to me, tune in next Monday when AB goes to Japan...you know what that means...deadly Blowfish bites and sake bombs for all!

I like food. It likes me, unless it is a dairy product. So I'm starting this blog to talk about the places I go and the things I eat there. And the people I eat with most often are going to talk about it too. MMMMM.