Future Fat Ass

Food Network watchers, listen up (this means you, Wollets). I know you love your Everyday Italians and your Sugar Rush. But when you're ready to take off that training bra and move up a size to a REAL food show, you need to tune into a little program called Anthony Bourdain's NO RESERVATIONS. This show, which is on the Travel channel, makes Rachel Ray's $40 a day (which, if you can't eat for a day on $40 in ANY city except Dubai, you are a big spoiled pooptail) look like a trip down the street to McDonald's. Anthony is a total A-hole, but he travels the earth eating with the natives. Sometimes I wretch, sometimes I drool, but I am always entertained.

This week Tone went to Puerto Rico. He went to the beach a lot, mocked the authenticity of the Pina Coladas, and ate a whole roasted pig. Apparently, the cheek is the best part of an entire pig. Tone says it is the perfect balance of crispy skin and chewy fat. This makes sense, as I have a habit of chewing on the insides of my own cheeks for these same reasons. I never really thought about going to PR much, but now I'm all about it. Besides the Bacardi Factory, there seems to be much to eat, all flavored with big bottles of sofrito, which is a magic potion that makes everything taste like heaven and sunshine. As a bonus, Tone went searching for El Chupacabra. If you live in a cave and don't know about this, go here: http://www.parascope.com/en/1096/chupa/chupsong.htm. Anyway. Instead of old Chupe, guess what Anthony found? Wild puppies in the forest! Bounding up to say hi. Anyplace with cute puppies living in the woods, free for the taking, is ok by me.

Every week I also learn key phrases that I plan to work into my everyday speech patterns. This weeks' were:
1. This pig tastes so good, he must have been in love.
2. Never eat anything bigger than your head.

So if all this sounds as totally sweet to you as it does to me, tune in next Monday when AB goes to Japan...you know what that means...deadly Blowfish bites and sake bombs for all!