Future Fat Ass

You know how you think you know someone and then you run into a situation where their personality changes and you're like, "Whoa, where did that come from?"? You know, like the really quiet, angelic girl at the office who gets wasted at the company party and photocopies her boobs? Or the big tough macho guy who gets the flu and turns into the biggest baby ever? Such was the turn of events last night, when the husband and I went to buy our first car together.

Let me begin with a little background on ole Mate, since some of you know him and some do not. Mate is, at the very core of his soul, a Life Manager. Because of his wealth of knowledge, Tiney has given him this very name, though we call him LM for short. He just knows things that responsible, successful people should know. Things that slackasses like me don't know. He knows exactly how much you should put in your 401k each month so that you can retire at age 60 and live comfortably til age 93.5. He knows that credit card debt is not acceptable debt but student loans are, as long as they were consolidated before last July, when interest rates were the lowest they'll be for years to come. He knows that if you are getting a large tax return every year you really should have your employer adjust how much tax they are taking out of your paycheck because even though you get that money back, you are basically giving the government an interest-free loan, and who wants to do that for The Man when they could put that money in an HSBC savings account and earn 5% on it?

You get the idea.

And when the LM wants to buy something, the same level of awareness is required. Most major purchases for LM require months of research. He will know and understand every option available to him and the pros and cons of each. And the important thing is, in whatever LM buys, the price should be directly in line with the quality. He's not cheap, certainly not. In fact, the LM is a big label whore. He just finds ways to get top quality stuff for a reasonable price. He reads, reads, reads. Asks everyone he meets questions. Researches until he is satisfied in his decision. Because of this, he knows things. He knows if you want to buy a Dyson vacuum cleaner you should buy a refurbished one online for half the money of the ones at Target. He knows the Panasonic plasma tv has a better picture than the Sony but either way you should try to find an open-box one, which drops the price by at least a few hundred bucks. He knows if you're buying an engagement ring you should not go to Tiffany's, you should find a private jeweler who uses the same supplier as Tiffany, and can procure the classic six-prong Tiffany setting (with the Tiffany & Co label etched inside) for a fraction of the price. Again, you get the idea.

My method of choosing things to buy is a little different. I believe that if things look pretty, they are probably good quality and I should buy them. I believe if someone on TV with a British accent tells me something is good, it is probably of excellent quality and I should buy it. So when we needed a new car, it kind of started like this-

Mooks: Maybe we should get this car. It is pretty.

LM: Ok. Let's go to Barnes and Noble and see what it says in Consumer Reports.

What came next was several weeks of research, followed by us deciding on a car that, apparently, doesn't really exist, followed by weeks of waiting while the dealership looked for it, followed by us saying ok, we'll take any color, just give us a frappin car.

Which brings me to last night. We get a call that the dealership just got a car in that is very close to what we want, only it is a Limited edition, so it has some extra gadgets, and it is silver instead of black or flint mica, the colors we wanted. I said who cares, woo hoo, new car, let me at it. On the way there, the LM gives me a speech about not getting too excited. Clutching his documents from Edmunds.com, he says, "This is NOT the color we wanted. I don't understand why they can only get a silver one when I saw on the Toyota website that there are FOUR Flint Mica ones in the Southeast region." and blah, blah, blah, about holding out for what we want and not paying more than we planned for things we didn't ask for anyway.

All this was before. Before the LM's brain was washed by our salesman, Steve the Mind Ninja. Steve pulled our car around and opened all the doors. He began speaking very rapidly about fog lights, viscose, fluid-filled engine mounts, fuel tank bladders, tonneau covers. "Blah Blah Blah," said Steve the Mind Ninja. "???" said Mooks. "Aaahhhhh...pretty. And fast," said the LM. This was not in keeping with LM's prior speech.

Then we took a spin around the block a few times. "See how torquey it is? We're talking 100 more horsepower than the 4 cylinder" said Steve the Mind Ninja. "Really, very interesting." said Mooks. "Wheeeeeeeeeee..." said the LM.

When we got back to the dealership, Steve the Mind Ninja says, "So, is this THE car?" Says Mooks, "Well, it's certainly very nice..." Says the LM, "We'll buy it right now." By this point, I am getting concerned. The LM is showing strange signs of behavior not characteristic of himself. I reassure myself that he will regain composure when we start talking price. Then Steve the Mind Ninja won't even know what's coming. He will be the ill-fated Gazelle to the LM's lightning-fast Financial Cheetah.

Back at the desk, Steve the Mind Ninja places a piece of paper in front of the LM and I. "This is the invoice price" he says. I am pleased to see it is the same as what the LM found in his research. I look at the LM for approval. Blank stare. No matter, Steve continues.

Steve the MN: This is your price. See, it's only $225 over invoice. Then next you have the costs we have to add to all our deals. This is the tax on the vehicle.

Mooks: Hm.

LM:---

Steve: This is the charge for the floor mats.

Mooks: Hmph.

LM:---

Steve: This is the charge for us to bring it here on one of those big trucks with all the cars on it.

Mooks: Humph.

LM:---

Steve: This is the charge that helps the owner of the dealership afford his yacht.

Mooks: Harumph.

LM: Still nothing.

By now the total is several thousand more than what we thought we'd pay. Steve the Mind Ninja says "So if you agree, I just need your signature right here." Here we go, the LM is about to open a can! Instead, he does something that I can't believe. He picks up the pen and signs it! Steve the Mind Ninja hurries off to do the Dance of Joy with the finance manager. I stare at the LM. And then...this is the worst part. The LM turns to me and goes "I don't get it." GASP! I spend the next several minutes explaining to the LM how the trade-in value was determined, and wondering what kind of life-sucking pod person had taken the shape of my husband.

What is most amazing is that Steve the Mind Ninja's hold over the LM extends even beyond car buying. As we're leaving, the LM asks Steve if there are any restaurants around that might still be open, as we are in the foreign suburbs and we haven't eaten in hours. "Applebee's is right next door, you should go there," says Steve. Ha ha, I laugh. Because I know the LM despises Applebee's. We went once in college and he refused to ever ever go back. But..."Ok", says the LM, "We will go to Applebee's." GASP again!! It's just like in SATC when Bunny can control Trey with the hand touch. Steve the Mind Ninja is the LM's Bunny. Tragic.

At Applebee's I start to think about how to tell his parents that I'm going to have him committed. But thankfully, by now we are out of reach of Steve the Mind Ninja. Slowly, the LM seems to be gathering himself. "I can't believe we spent so much more than we planned on a car" said the LM. "I can't believe I got Mind Ninja'ed" said the LM. "By the way, this is the worst Oriental Chicken Salad I've ever eaten. Why the hell are we at Applebee's?" said the LM.

THERE's my boy!